I’m slowly letting these walls come down..

(Source: staypozitive, via ayyitsjoeliza)

I just don’t get it. I try my best to be kind to you, but you take advantage of it. First of all, I never said we could be friends, after what you did to me. Second off, you can’t just come out of nowhere and expect me to do things for you. Thirdly, I walked out of your life a long time ago, why are you still trying to be apart of mine? You’re really bugging me with all of your unnecessary phone calls and texts, I tend to ignore them most of the time, although, how am I supposed to go on with my life with you coming at me at the most random times with the problems you bring upon yourself? Seriously, go bother someone else about them and find someone who actually cares, because I can’t be the one to reassure you. 

Sometimes I don’t know how I should feel about certain situations, whether I should get excited or depressed, happy or sad, because I hate getting my hopes up then watching them fall just like that. I’m done with temporary feelings of goodness, I’m all set for things that will fulfill my happiness 100% without the fear of seeing everything fail. This is why I never take any given chance I get to do something, no matter what the circumstance is, I just don’t gain any courage at all to take the stand.

It’s probably my past mistakes that are making it harder on me to not understand how to cope with these specific situations in my life. My expectations in everything have now changed and I find myself searching for more than one can even place in my hand, but I’m trying to give in just a little bit, trying my best to change my ways and not let my former inexcusable doings block the path of what my heart truly desires. I can’t let the past haunt me nor can I let it get to me, keep moving forward and see what I can do to overcome these unsure thoughts and mixed feelings.

You have to stand your ground, you have to stand firm on your platform, you have to keep your head up no matter what, because you don’t know who is watching you and who is depending on you to stay strong. The actions you make not only affect yourself, but they make an effect on others.

But sometimes the things we do and the words we say don’t mean a thing, however it may not be visible to us, but it’s very clear to others. You can’t be weak, because you’re afraid of portraying yourself as a broken piece to everyone. So you raise that chin high and keep the feelings from expressing, when you’re breaking on the inside, you’re hiding it all on the outside. Although you know in your right mind that you don’t always have to be the strong one, but it just became a habit that you can’t seem to let go of. You tell yourself you’ll be more open-minded about what goes on in your head, but then you just go on beating up yourself once again, pretending that the smile on your face is genuine. 

• Keeping the good vibes around me, feeling better about myself
• CST testing sucks guessing my way through Algebra 2
• The pain is going away, need to schedule for my blood test
• ASA are the ones who keep my days balanced
• Forgot how spicy food tasted
• I’m really starting to dig ya more and more, ya know what that means
• Lovin’ life basically

(Source: lovequotesrus)

So let’s just go out and say what I’ve been holding in; in the past month of April, I clearly wasn’t in the best position. Physically and emotionally - everything was just too difficult for me to handle. I’ve always been known as the one who held it down for herself, who kept strong whenever piles of bricks dropped on her shoulders, always the one smiling and cheerful no matter what. Surprisingly, that person was nonexistent and I didn’t know myself at all anymore. Lost, insecure, weak, full of frustration, broken. I lacked every emotion that ever made me feel satisfied. There were long nights filled with crying and hard days when I had to keep this smile on my face, things I attempted and so close to going back to bad habits. I was losing me, myself and I. I lost my identity, I was unsure of the person I was supposed to be. I didn’t know wrong from right, I didn’t understand why certain things happened to me, it just was all so unclear and I needed answers, but none were to be found anywhere. 

Basically, I guess you can say that I was going through a life changing process. Who knew, that at the age of 15, I’d be feeling stressed out about everything and everyone. It was really challenging for me this past month with troubles in school, with family, my happiness and my faithfulness to the Lord. I faced things I never expected me to face and I felt things I never thought I would ever feel. Although, I’m glad to say that things are finally starting to clean up, I’m beginning to feel content once again with everything in my life and even though I’m going to keep falling, I know that I’ll get back right up, no matter how long it will take - a week, a  month, a year. It’s the struggles in my life that make me expect the worst every single moment of the day, but it’s also what keeps me yearning for the best knowing that I’ll eventually get there some day. I’m just really thankful that I can finally see better days and that this sicken feeling is surely fading away. 

Lord, you know my struggles, I just ask that you forgive me for giving up on everything you have set before me, I pray that you help me to realize what’s right in front of me, that everything is going to be okay. I pray, Lord, that you help me see my faults clearly, but help me know that these sins will be washed away by the blood of your beloved son, I pray oh Lord that you help me to feel your love, to feel your presence, to know that the broken pieces of my heart will soon be healed. I pray that you just provide me with that patience that I have within me, that from this day forth on I’m able to stand strong with you by my side, that my faith with you doesn’t go astray like it has been lately, I just ask for your guidance and ask that you help me keep this faith running, I don’t want to go back to my bad habits, but they just keep haunting me and my insecurities and past mistakes are what my mind has been filled with lately, I just ask you to cleanse my mind, to clear it and help me not to get tempted by the things of this world. I pray oh Lord you just give me the strength I need, as it says in Philippians 4:13. Lord, show me direction, show me your ways, I need to get back on track with you and forgive me for even going astray in the first place. Forgive me for the things I have done for the things I have said for the thoughts I have thought, Lord I pray that you just help guide me on my walk with you, strengthen me each step of the way and these struggles are just what make me stronger. I need reassurance, I know oh Lord you’ll give it to me. Thank you Lord, for I know the plans you have for me are to prosper me and never to harm me, as it says in Jeremiah 29:11. I ask for motivation and wisdom; and I pray that I just keep all of these things in my mind. Block away the temptations, block away my insecurities and help me to see clearly once again. I love you, Lord, thanks for always being awesome. Amen. 

April 12, 2012 - I have to say, honestly, it’s been a really long time ever since I’ve felt this good feeling. I’ve never been proud of myself in such a long time and tonight was the night I actually felt good for once for something I did all on my own. It was the Volleyball Banquet tonight and I received the award for “Most Inspirational” out of the Frosh/Soph team and I was one of the Scholar Athletes for my 3.5 GPA for Fall Semester. I didn’t know I had it in me, I really didn’t. I was so hesitant of joining Volleyball, but look at me now. I’m progressing more and more every time I play, my Coach said, “This girl would be the last one on the court trying to get something down and would always ask me if she’s doing it correctly and she’ll keep doing it until she gets it down”. I’d trip and fall, basically, however I never gave up. I’ve never thought I would actually get through this year of Volleyball, even though I barely made it onto the “Frosh/Soph” team, I still feel this joy in my heart that I’ve done something well for once. I haven’t felt this in so long and I have to say that I’m really really super proud of myself right now. Plus for my GPA Award? I’ve never been the one to be good in school. 

This is just a really important night for me, because while I was at the verge of losing hope in everything.. I needed this night, to remind me that I am made of something, that I do have a capability of doing so much, I have lots of potential; I guess I just really needed a reminder.. that’s all. 

It’s so crazy on how much one person can hold in for so long.. what sucks is that I’m beginning to lose grip of how much I can contain within me. I need someone to talk to, but there’s absolutely nobody out there that I can find myself confiding in. I’m loaded with so much, and this time it’s not just me “over reacting”. I’m seriously getting tired of pretending to portray myself each day as someone who’s genuinely happy, what a big fat lie I am setting right in front of people’s eyes. I can’t take in all of this anymore, I can’t suck it up anymore, I’m giving up and I know this isn’t just a phase. 

It’s tiring. When you’re clearly always being the second option all the time, especially when it’s towards the ones that you put as first priority. They walk in and out of your life and the connection just begins to fade away every single time they go astray. The bond that was once held together so strong, disappears in the pile of other things you’ve decided to lose interest in. It’s not that you kicked them out of your life neither is it that they deserve to have a guaranteed spot on your list of “Top Priorities”, it’s the fact that they don’t even notice what’s going on and you’re here looking dumber than ever caring for people who are too caught up within their own ego, that they don’t even realize who they seem to be affecting with the little things they do. So you begin to see that none of it even matters to them and then you recognize that you shouldn’t even be worrying over ones who don’t worry for you, which is one of the reasons why I shut people out; because not everyone ends up being the person you thought they would always be. Things change, people change, it is what it is, we just learn to live with it.